Don't worry

Paul is out. He said he wouldn't.
His phone isn't getting signal :(
I hate this.

Hello....

I hate that I upset people by being worried
I say silly things and make people angry.
Will someone just talk to me and say I'm not being stupid or crazy.
I just want someone to talk to me as if they care about me and that I matter over all else.
Please someone, just talk to me

Currently...

I don't want to just make it through.
I want to get out and explore.
See more than just the UK. 
I want to be able to work somewhere warm where my degree is useful. 
Rather than get up every morning after no sleep because I'm worrying about my life.
Go to work and dread being bitten. 
Come back and look in an empty cupboard and wonder where the next meal is coming from.

Flare up

My anxiety levels have been low for a while now.
I'm a new person.
Yet the flare ups send me straight back to square one.
Paul is away from me until Monday.
He is flying to Berlin with his dad tomorrow and I'm getting worked up.
I have never been on a plane and they have been the subject of many nightmares over the years.
I'm getting really upset and panicky just waiting for the news that the plane has crashed.
They haven't even set off yet -.-
Why does a worry end up becoming, what I believe to be, the only possible outcome of the situation.
Therapy doesn't help right now.
I don't think anything does.

Life is a cruel joke

It's often an easy thing to kid yourself into the feeling that things will get better.
Then when you think about it, you realise that you'll probably be struggling with current issues for a long time.

Please help

I'm not sure if many people out there in the big wide world read this but if you do, please take a second to continue.
The link provided is to a fund raising attempt for a friend of a friend. Her symptoms are really shocking and please donate something, anything. She will happily send you test results ect to show you how your money is being used.
Connie is a huge animal lover and has fostered and rescued dogs for a long time.  I think she deserves the same generosity.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/medical-funds-for-connie/218116#.VDztlDJ4RfD.facebook

A woman's job

Being a women is a difficult task.
I hate all the stupid emotions that come with it.
I work all day to please people and it never seems to work.
I live in a shared house and seeing as though all the residents are university students, I have taken it upon myself to clean the house whilst they're in lesson.
The only person I get a 'thank you' off is Paul.
Although it's never good enough to satisfy the demanding womanly needs.
I don't expect anything but somewhere this little bitchy woman in me sways my mood.
I hate her and everything she does.
She makes me cry and get angry over the stupid and insignificant things.
I hate her.

In the present

I realised something today.
I finished my anxiety therapy a few weeks ago now. It really changed me for the better. My life has improved drastically from what it was.

When Paul moved to uni, I was a wreck. Terrified of something happening and I was never able to put my finger on what that was exactly. 
I'd find fear in everything.
If Paul went out, whether it was to the shops or to the pub, after moments of no contact, I'd be convinced he was dead.
It was a burden he shared with me. He was the one who went out of his way to text me constantly and ring me whenever I freaked out. He took the brunt of my anger and saw the depths of my sorrow. That happened all the time. Every day, at every moment of separation.  I don't know much about psychology but I do know about animal behaviour. I guess I compared myself to dog with severe separation anxiety.
I was destructive, aggressive,  restless and eventually, I became numb.
I would often sit and wonder if anything was worth any effort or fight that I still had left. I chose the wrong answer. No, it wasn't worth it and I wasn't going to fight.
In my darkest days, Paul fought for me.
He would shower me with compliments. Hug and kiss me at any opportunity and would always be there to hold me at night.
I ignored all of it. I felt like it wasn't happening. I had switched off from reality and any good that occurred was part of some made up dream world, from which I was detached.
Eventually,  as you'd expect, Paul began to give up. I had taken his love for granted and it was running out. That's when I decided to seek expert help.
It wasn't easy. I struggled with motivation and I didn't throw myself into the tasks that were set. That was until I realised. I took a step back to evaluate my life. Everything I had and been working for was at stake. The deciding factor you ask. Seeing Paul going through this with me. The look in eyes every day was that of a deep set pain. Yet, he always looked at me like he did the first time he held me. I knew then that I had the best thing in my life and the one sure chance at happiness, on the verge of falling into oblivion. So I gave myself I kick up the butt and threw myself into my therapy.

Sparing the details of how it happened, the main point is that it did happen. I will never be completely free of anxiety. It is a part of me and it was all I had ever known. However, I get the amazing pleasure of seeing Paul smile at me and truely mean it when he says he's proud of what I've done.

I love my life and everything in it.

"What are we fighting for Sam?"
"That there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

Oh the humanity

I'm seriously starting to lose my ability to deal with humanity

Urgh.... people

People annoy me so very much.

So I put a status on facebook about how I'm feeling.

It's not aimed at you.

In no way is in intended as sarcasm or some type of subtle insult.

Put it this way....

Yes, I am alone in the house.

Yes, it is freezing and since the new central heating went in, I don't know how to turn it on.

Yes, I have been at work all day.

Yes, there is far too much washing up and mess everywhere.

Yes, you're not here and haven't made an effort to help me out when you could have done this morning......

But if I had wanted to have a go at you about it,

I would've done so already!

Life's career choice

Consoling someone is one of the hardest, yet fulfilling jobs.
In a way it is nice to know that someone trusts you enough to help them.
Even when you do not know what to say, the silence and your presence is all that is needed.

Daisuki

You make me a proud guardian.
Your strength never refuses to amaze me.
I aspire to be your Fred until the end.

Dead end?

I have no University to go back to,
I have a part time job thats pays very little,
I have to organise everything as if it's my own burden,
*sigh*
I'd love my artwork to be my life but I really doubt it will take off.
I'm a little stuck right now....

Dealt a good hand

I'm a lucky girl.
I know I overlook this most of the time but I truly am.
I am in a very happy relationship.
I have a lovely family and awesome friends.

I have a friend who is setting sail on the adventure of a new relationship.
She seems so incredibly happy and I'm proud of her for growing into the amazing person that she is.
Being around her lifts my mood and gives me energy!
It inspires me to put in maximum effort in everything I do.
She makes me feel crazy and most of all, myself.
I must admit, the real me often gets locked away when stressed and worried.

I have another friend who's relationship is practically rock bottom.
They are on and off, what seems like every other day now.
He told Paul that he was very lucky that he had found me and that we were so happy.
It's hard being the couple that people aspire to be.
While it's nice to know that we must look truly happy to others,
when things do go wrong, it leaves me feeling stupidly down.
As if we've fallen from some almighty pedestal of the ideal relationship!

Either way, I have been with Paul for 2 and a half years now.
I can say that I have found my future husband....
Although many would cringe at that sentence.
In all honesty, it has been difficult.
We had a small break when things went downhill.
We have had big arguments, you know, those where you just can't stand the sight of each other.
We have been through stressful changes in education, work and living situations.
But we have pulled through.

There's not a night that goes by that I don't think I'm in love with the perfect guy.
That's not perfect as in he doesn't have faults. We all have them.
No, he's perfect for me.
We can have gaming and film marathons together.
We can go out and socialise with each other friends without problems that some couples seem to have.
We can go for long walks and still lose ourselves in adventure.
We can sit silently or in deep conversation.
We can still hug and kiss as passionately as a new couple.
Everything works well together.

I don't think for one second that it will be easy, especially if we get married and start a family.
Yet, if this happens, and I hope it does.
I will be the happiest person on this planet.
My dream in life is to inspire people. Even if it's just the one person.
If Paul wants the same life that I do, I will have inspired him.
From a person who feared throwing himself into a serious relationship and didn't want children...
To a caring, sensitive and romantic partner who would one day be an amazing dad.

There's not much left to say now other than I love you Pauly.
My sun and stars. xxxxx

No more

I've missed you so much this week.
I know we have our arguments, and we both know they've been rather frequent lately.
However, since you've gone away, I've realised how much you mean to me.
I always knew you were held very high in my priorities, I just didn't know how much I love you.
There's only a few days left until you return and I just want you here.
I don't want a cold, empty bed anymore....
I don't want to go to bed without a goodnight kiss...
I know you feel the same.
Soon my love....
Soon...

Upside down

I am currently kicking myself for the timing of writing this post.
I have 2 days to finish the most important work of my degree and, as always, I have found something else to distract me.
However, what I am about to say needs documenting.

This weekend is meant to be the end of my stress.
I have booked time off work and I just want to be free.
However, this is what's in store.
Paul goes away next week.
Not just for 1 night or even for a weekend.
No, a week!
It may not seem a lot to most people but it is one of the scariest things I have ever had to wait for.
He goes away with uni, to a racing event, driving a car they have built.
He does not know if he can keep in touch at all.
He is sharing a tent with people I barely know.
He will be going out drinking and wandering around a foreign place, and can't let me know he's alright.
So yeah, I'm terrified.

That girl is going as well........
That girl who is in a relationship with one of his class members but I still don't trust within 100 feet of Paul.
:(
If something happens, I can't say I don't expect it.
Just being mildly hopeful I think is the correct expression.

I want to be put into a coma until he comes back.... but I don't think the doctors will see that as a valid use of anesthetic.

...

I give up....
that's all folks

No words at all

I think I should just give up.  I'm always the one who annoys everyone and I just want to give it all up.
Fed up of trying to do right by everyone.
People I care about dont care about me in the same way. 
They are happy to leave me on my own.
They dont care about how upset I get.
They dont try and help me.
Just leave me alone or be there.
Im ready just to walk out and start a new life.
I'd love to pretend that I dont need anyone to make me happy.
That I am confident and outgoing.
But it won't happen.
I'll keep tagging on behind people, catering to on their every whim, and being forgotten about the only times I ever ask for something.
Thanks life!
Could've dealt me a better hand!

Daily struggle

My days seem like they can't get worse.
I sit crying with uncontrollable fear and anger.
Sometimes I hold out longer just to see if it will all improve.
I know I dont want to be here anymore.
I often consider ways how to dispatch myself,
But I just dont want to hurt my family and friends.
It is at that point where everything is hollow,
I feel nothing.... I dont care about much now.
I try to help people by convincing them I'm ok and I guess im good at it because no one seems concerned.
I like to slice myself open again at the moment.
I wish I didnt but im ashamed to say it helps.
I wonder if people could feel how I do for a day... would they cope.
Because im truely struggling now.
I'm not sure how this will end.

Urgh...... -.-

I despise some people.
My judgement may be clouded from past views but some individuals just take advantage of their friends.
If you need constant forced flattery from people, you're just a low down, selfish runt.
People will pick up on your nice attributes in time, but trying to shove things that you think they should be praising in their faces will end in them resenting you.
Your artwork sucks, your face sucks, your body sucks, your voice sucks and most of all, the way you manipulate people FUCKING SUCKS!
In the meantime,  the genuine people get forgotten about because they don't expect anything to be complimented.
When does my artwork get complimented? Never!
When do my achievements get complimented?  Never!
When does my friendliness get complimented?  Never!
Its been hiden under your overwhelming facade that seems to make all others fall in line behind you.
But not me. You're not fooling this mind.

Get a life and fuck off out of mine.

Rant over.... back to Miss. Brave Face. Or maybe, just maybe... Miss. Killing spree....

Sigh

I hate my life.
What have I got to live for.
Im constantly upset and worried.
I feel like I'm a burden to everyone and they would have it so much easier without me.
I stress people out and make them angry when all I do is love them.
When all my love is lost, what then?
Do I sit here it tears like I am now, or do I just get rid of myself.
I'm useless anyway.
Paul would be better off with someone else.
I drag him back and he'll just hate me in the end.

The drink

I dont like you when you're drunk.  You forget everything and you dont remember some of the more unsavoury things you say to me. Then you believe it never happened while I sit alone, in tears. Heartbroken by your comments.

Really....

Looking through this blog and I realise how it seems like I'm not happy and that I just complain about everything.
However, I am happy with what I have, just not with myself.
I have an amazing boyfriend, and although he makes mistakes and does not fully understand my depression and anxiety, I know he tries his hardest to make me smile.
Despite the annoying lectures about how I should be happy and what I should be doing rather than dwelling upon things that have upset me, I do appreciate the help he gives me.
He's always there to talk when I need him and he showers me with compliments, that I always disregard.
I feel like a useless and worthless person 99.9% of the time and that makes me believe that the things that are said are because he thinks it's what I want to hear. Although, I do know he tries his best to comfort me and I am forever grateful for this.
So I love you Pauly, you know I do but you'll never know how much you mean to me. I wouldn't be here without everything you have done for me.

In addition, I have amazing friends. There is one in particular who knows exactly what it's like to be depressed and anxious. We rarely say to each other that things will get better, because we know it doesn't help. We just share our stories and bounce off each other. The comfort comes from knowing that neither of us is alone in our quest for happiness. You know who you are, and if you do read this I want to reassure you again that I am always here to talk, and whether you want to share anything or not, you know I am always with you in spirit.

So for anyone who does come across this blog and thinks it's just the ramblings of a nutcase, read between the lines and become understanding. Mental problems are not imaginary, and they can be just as lethal as jumping in front of a train.

Adieu...

Nothing to say

Shaking constantly..... one more night of this and I'm done

Don't

Don't worry about me...
Its not like I'm going to do something harmful...

Early hours

Early hours of the morning and yet again I'm wide awake.
I'm at work tomorrow, and Paul has just gone to bed.
I have no one to talk to again when im upset.
Sat feeling very lonely and annoyed.
I don't like myself when I'm acting this way.
Because I spend a few nights on my own a week, I feel abandoned.
It's stupid.
I think I need to hurry my therapy up.
If it is the only thing that will help me, I need it now.

Silence Speaks Volumes

I wonder if one day, all the tears that have been cried silently will be noticed?
The many nights that have been spent, wrapped up in worry and fear. I want to know if they will be repayed with happiness.
It is encouraging to think that in the future, people may look back at what I've gone through, and what I've put up with, without walking away.
Just one hug at the end of it and a genuine, 'thankyou,' would be enough.
No matter what people tell you, you do not have it easy, or don't have anything to worry about.
Everyone has issues. Naive people just need realise that their own problems do not block out those of others.
A small issue to one person, is a suicidal complication for another.
I have almost constant urges to travel to where my loved ones are so that I know they are safe. If I don't have what I deem as sufficient contact, I melt down.
I have lived with my problems for so long, I don't know how to get rid of them. For example, whilst I am sat writing this, my boyfriend is asleep... (it is 2:03am) With his university life style, I am not used to him being asleep right now. Im worrying myself over silly things such as, what if he's out and is lying to me. Or what if he's actually awake and just wants time to himself. Both of these are no real thing to worry over, plus I dont think he'd ever go out and not tell me. However, this is what I mean. I have lived in constant fear for so long that I have to worry about something, no matter how stupid it is.
I know I am a burden to the people I worry about. It has broken relationships and strained others, I just hope they understand I don't do what I do to get in the way, or to be a bitch.
No, I just care. A lot.
I cry myself to sleep too often. I have stopped sleeping almost completely to stay alert to my fears.
Stress and worry has ruled my life. Ruined it, more than ruled. Like everyone,  I would like some praise for coping this far. It has not been a smooth ride. I have the scars to prove my low points, mentally and physically. 
I think the shadow is starting to lift ever so slightly. It's grip seems lighter now than back in September 2013.
*sigh* again this has just turned into silly ramblings of an unstable mind.
I will try not to cry anymore. If anything can change, I'll make it my responsibility to do so.
That's unfortunately all I can control.

Masked Lady

You know what... the mask is coming off right now!
I'm fucking depressed as hell!
I'm sick of feeling like everyone relies on me to do everything in their lives and I don't think I've had one day where I've actually just enjoyed myself.
There's always something to worry about, and there's always something to do!
My mind is fucked and why is it when I open up to people that are meant to be there for me, they just say fuck off!
I'm lonely as hell. I've been left behind by almost everyone.
My opinion is always wrong and im never a priority!
People either laugh, or tut at me when I say I'm depressed. I've even had the comment, 'you don't know what depressed is!'
So these people can just go screw themselves!
The most annoying one is, 'your generation gets everything they need without paying for it.'
Message for them dicks... I've worked sinced I was 14 years old, and it was all voluntary until I was 19 years old. I have more work experience than many 50 year olds.
I have been a geek my entire life, and was bullied horrifically for it. However, all my qualifications so far have been passed to the highest grade. Including my foundation degree, and hopefully my BSc Hons. I don't get student loans, I paid for university out of my savings. So when I say I'm skint,  it means I have nothing. No £1500 overdraft. No huge sum of money that is waiting to go into my bank. No privileges of going out with friends that comes with living in uni accommodation.  No enjoying myself on borrowed money, making a dick of myself in bars or inside jokes with mates about that night I threw up in a back alley after downing a fishbowl.
No, I am an honest person. I have severe depression and anxiety, yes! I am not perfect. I have lost my childhood to anxiety mainly.
I would have to go everywhere with my mum so she didn't get killed crossing the street.  One time when I was about 7 years old, my mum snuck into town to do some shopping. She was probably fed up of having me in tow all the time, and didn't tell me she'd gone. I remember, running round the house screaming for my mummy and then went running in town, which is 2 miles away. My dad came after me when he'd realised I'd left. I never caught up with my mum, and for the rest of the day until she got back I was hysterical.  I honestly thought I'd never see her again.
And that is a thought I get each and every time someone goes out and im not there with them.
I grew up fast, and I very stressed out person.  It would be nice to act like a fun loving, careless, 20 year old uni student. Alas, that is not me.
I will probably die from stress... im already pretty ill.
There are many I know who are also suffering from depression and axietys. I hope you all find you're way to the light. If I can help,  I will. That's just who I am.
So the next time someone tells you the truth, don't be narrow minded.
It's awful being alone to deal with crippling issues.
Tucked away in this dark bubble of life, many things will try to beat you. We all must try. It has nearly defeated me numerous times... hopefully not anymore.

Unravelling the plans

Sleep is for those who have peace of mind.
Smiles are for those who fufill their desires.
Laughter is for those who have no darkness in their heads.
Love is for those who fling their arms out and think they could make somebody happy.
Life is for those who, in the simplicity of it all, are worth the trouble it takes to create them a mind, body and soul.

Everyone starts at the bottom, and works their way towards some type of ultimate goal.
I am stumbling and slipping on the loose ground underfoot.
I have just begun re climbing my mountain.
It is steep and jagged, winding and dangerous.
I have a long way to go, and I must bypass my worries, doubts, addictions and obsessions. 
Oh, but when my head pushes through the clouds and I can see the clear blue sky... I will know that I was strong enough to climb my everest... and I will never fall down so low again.

The Game

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
I think I may be dying...