Really....

Looking through this blog and I realise how it seems like I'm not happy and that I just complain about everything.
However, I am happy with what I have, just not with myself.
I have an amazing boyfriend, and although he makes mistakes and does not fully understand my depression and anxiety, I know he tries his hardest to make me smile.
Despite the annoying lectures about how I should be happy and what I should be doing rather than dwelling upon things that have upset me, I do appreciate the help he gives me.
He's always there to talk when I need him and he showers me with compliments, that I always disregard.
I feel like a useless and worthless person 99.9% of the time and that makes me believe that the things that are said are because he thinks it's what I want to hear. Although, I do know he tries his best to comfort me and I am forever grateful for this.
So I love you Pauly, you know I do but you'll never know how much you mean to me. I wouldn't be here without everything you have done for me.

In addition, I have amazing friends. There is one in particular who knows exactly what it's like to be depressed and anxious. We rarely say to each other that things will get better, because we know it doesn't help. We just share our stories and bounce off each other. The comfort comes from knowing that neither of us is alone in our quest for happiness. You know who you are, and if you do read this I want to reassure you again that I am always here to talk, and whether you want to share anything or not, you know I am always with you in spirit.

So for anyone who does come across this blog and thinks it's just the ramblings of a nutcase, read between the lines and become understanding. Mental problems are not imaginary, and they can be just as lethal as jumping in front of a train.

Adieu...

Nothing to say

Shaking constantly..... one more night of this and I'm done

Don't

Don't worry about me...
Its not like I'm going to do something harmful...

Early hours

Early hours of the morning and yet again I'm wide awake.
I'm at work tomorrow, and Paul has just gone to bed.
I have no one to talk to again when im upset.
Sat feeling very lonely and annoyed.
I don't like myself when I'm acting this way.
Because I spend a few nights on my own a week, I feel abandoned.
It's stupid.
I think I need to hurry my therapy up.
If it is the only thing that will help me, I need it now.

Silence Speaks Volumes

I wonder if one day, all the tears that have been cried silently will be noticed?
The many nights that have been spent, wrapped up in worry and fear. I want to know if they will be repayed with happiness.
It is encouraging to think that in the future, people may look back at what I've gone through, and what I've put up with, without walking away.
Just one hug at the end of it and a genuine, 'thankyou,' would be enough.
No matter what people tell you, you do not have it easy, or don't have anything to worry about.
Everyone has issues. Naive people just need realise that their own problems do not block out those of others.
A small issue to one person, is a suicidal complication for another.
I have almost constant urges to travel to where my loved ones are so that I know they are safe. If I don't have what I deem as sufficient contact, I melt down.
I have lived with my problems for so long, I don't know how to get rid of them. For example, whilst I am sat writing this, my boyfriend is asleep... (it is 2:03am) With his university life style, I am not used to him being asleep right now. Im worrying myself over silly things such as, what if he's out and is lying to me. Or what if he's actually awake and just wants time to himself. Both of these are no real thing to worry over, plus I dont think he'd ever go out and not tell me. However, this is what I mean. I have lived in constant fear for so long that I have to worry about something, no matter how stupid it is.
I know I am a burden to the people I worry about. It has broken relationships and strained others, I just hope they understand I don't do what I do to get in the way, or to be a bitch.
No, I just care. A lot.
I cry myself to sleep too often. I have stopped sleeping almost completely to stay alert to my fears.
Stress and worry has ruled my life. Ruined it, more than ruled. Like everyone,  I would like some praise for coping this far. It has not been a smooth ride. I have the scars to prove my low points, mentally and physically. 
I think the shadow is starting to lift ever so slightly. It's grip seems lighter now than back in September 2013.
*sigh* again this has just turned into silly ramblings of an unstable mind.
I will try not to cry anymore. If anything can change, I'll make it my responsibility to do so.
That's unfortunately all I can control.

Masked Lady

You know what... the mask is coming off right now!
I'm fucking depressed as hell!
I'm sick of feeling like everyone relies on me to do everything in their lives and I don't think I've had one day where I've actually just enjoyed myself.
There's always something to worry about, and there's always something to do!
My mind is fucked and why is it when I open up to people that are meant to be there for me, they just say fuck off!
I'm lonely as hell. I've been left behind by almost everyone.
My opinion is always wrong and im never a priority!
People either laugh, or tut at me when I say I'm depressed. I've even had the comment, 'you don't know what depressed is!'
So these people can just go screw themselves!
The most annoying one is, 'your generation gets everything they need without paying for it.'
Message for them dicks... I've worked sinced I was 14 years old, and it was all voluntary until I was 19 years old. I have more work experience than many 50 year olds.
I have been a geek my entire life, and was bullied horrifically for it. However, all my qualifications so far have been passed to the highest grade. Including my foundation degree, and hopefully my BSc Hons. I don't get student loans, I paid for university out of my savings. So when I say I'm skint,  it means I have nothing. No £1500 overdraft. No huge sum of money that is waiting to go into my bank. No privileges of going out with friends that comes with living in uni accommodation.  No enjoying myself on borrowed money, making a dick of myself in bars or inside jokes with mates about that night I threw up in a back alley after downing a fishbowl.
No, I am an honest person. I have severe depression and anxiety, yes! I am not perfect. I have lost my childhood to anxiety mainly.
I would have to go everywhere with my mum so she didn't get killed crossing the street.  One time when I was about 7 years old, my mum snuck into town to do some shopping. She was probably fed up of having me in tow all the time, and didn't tell me she'd gone. I remember, running round the house screaming for my mummy and then went running in town, which is 2 miles away. My dad came after me when he'd realised I'd left. I never caught up with my mum, and for the rest of the day until she got back I was hysterical.  I honestly thought I'd never see her again.
And that is a thought I get each and every time someone goes out and im not there with them.
I grew up fast, and I very stressed out person.  It would be nice to act like a fun loving, careless, 20 year old uni student. Alas, that is not me.
I will probably die from stress... im already pretty ill.
There are many I know who are also suffering from depression and axietys. I hope you all find you're way to the light. If I can help,  I will. That's just who I am.
So the next time someone tells you the truth, don't be narrow minded.
It's awful being alone to deal with crippling issues.
Tucked away in this dark bubble of life, many things will try to beat you. We all must try. It has nearly defeated me numerous times... hopefully not anymore.

Unravelling the plans

Sleep is for those who have peace of mind.
Smiles are for those who fufill their desires.
Laughter is for those who have no darkness in their heads.
Love is for those who fling their arms out and think they could make somebody happy.
Life is for those who, in the simplicity of it all, are worth the trouble it takes to create them a mind, body and soul.

Everyone starts at the bottom, and works their way towards some type of ultimate goal.
I am stumbling and slipping on the loose ground underfoot.
I have just begun re climbing my mountain.
It is steep and jagged, winding and dangerous.
I have a long way to go, and I must bypass my worries, doubts, addictions and obsessions. 
Oh, but when my head pushes through the clouds and I can see the clear blue sky... I will know that I was strong enough to climb my everest... and I will never fall down so low again.

The Game

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
I think I may be dying...