I realised something today.
I finished my anxiety therapy a few weeks ago now. It really changed me for the better. My life has improved drastically from what it was.
When Paul moved to uni, I was a wreck. Terrified of something happening and I was never able to put my finger on what that was exactly.
I'd find fear in everything.
If Paul went out, whether it was to the shops or to the pub, after moments of no contact, I'd be convinced he was dead.
It was a burden he shared with me. He was the one who went out of his way to text me constantly and ring me whenever I freaked out. He took the brunt of my anger and saw the depths of my sorrow. That happened all the time. Every day, at every moment of separation. I don't know much about psychology but I do know about animal behaviour. I guess I compared myself to dog with severe separation anxiety.
I was destructive, aggressive, restless and eventually, I became numb.
I would often sit and wonder if anything was worth any effort or fight that I still had left. I chose the wrong answer. No, it wasn't worth it and I wasn't going to fight.
In my darkest days, Paul fought for me.
He would shower me with compliments. Hug and kiss me at any opportunity and would always be there to hold me at night.
I ignored all of it. I felt like it wasn't happening. I had switched off from reality and any good that occurred was part of some made up dream world, from which I was detached.
Eventually, as you'd expect, Paul began to give up. I had taken his love for granted and it was running out. That's when I decided to seek expert help.
It wasn't easy. I struggled with motivation and I didn't throw myself into the tasks that were set. That was until I realised. I took a step back to evaluate my life. Everything I had and been working for was at stake. The deciding factor you ask. Seeing Paul going through this with me. The look in eyes every day was that of a deep set pain. Yet, he always looked at me like he did the first time he held me. I knew then that I had the best thing in my life and the one sure chance at happiness, on the verge of falling into oblivion. So I gave myself I kick up the butt and threw myself into my therapy.
Sparing the details of how it happened, the main point is that it did happen. I will never be completely free of anxiety. It is a part of me and it was all I had ever known. However, I get the amazing pleasure of seeing Paul smile at me and truely mean it when he says he's proud of what I've done.
I love my life and everything in it.
"What are we fighting for Sam?"
"That there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."
