Inner Workings

Depression is the inability to find the light.
It's sounding angry or upset when your meant to be putting on a happy exterior.
It's the unbearable sadness when the people you love don't understand and think you're a burden on their lives. 
It's being trapped in a vast open space,  or being alone in a crowd of people.

Yes, I have depression. Its probably a shock for some and seemingly an attempt to wallow in self pity in the views of others.
I have had depression on and off for as long as I can remember.
At the moment it makes me feel vulnerable, weak and worthless. I obsess over my weight and my looks a lot. I cant leave the house without make up now and I have gone from 11st to 9.04 st in 2 months. I am terrified of what I will become in the years that are soon to pass. I am in my last year of university, I am moving out of the family home next july and will, hopefully, find a full time job to fund me.

I am going through a rough patch with my boyfriend and its stripped my confidence levels. We broke up for a few days when he started uni, and I was told it was because of my anxiety issues. It only made me worse :( I now panic over any lack of communication and become uncontrollably upset and often angry. I have faced my fears about talking about my issues and have been put on a waiting list for therapy sessions. Im sure they will help but im dreading them.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart and have always seen him as my future husband.  I will try my hardest to make us work but I find that I constantly have to apologise for things.  I'm not sure if it's because of my depression that I say and do the wrong things but I often question my judgement and im not sure what i should be upset over anymore.

Anyway,  leaving behind my rantings. Depression isn't someone wanting attention. If someone starts to tell you about their problems, they are trusting you to potentially help them. The worst thing you can say are things such as, 'just be happy,' or 'get over it.' Its a kick in the teeth when you feel like you're doing everything you can just to make it through the day. I get these comments a lot but I try not to take them to heart as I know that people often think they are helping.  Im sorry to anyone who took the time to read this but I just wanted to express my feelings.

Hello in there...

Dear my brain.... changes happen. Get used to them!

Second chances

I think we all deserve second chances.
You wouldn't permit me mine, but I've given you, yours.
It didn't take long for you to realise that I care for you so much and really am a large part of your life.
The text you sent me saying, 'I think I've made a mistake about us," made my heart flutter.
The truth is I wasn't coping without you, and I know it was only a few days but I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I wasn't living.  I lost a stone in weight over a few days and became really quite ill with the stress.
After speaking to you about it all, I found out you were the same.
I'm glad you finally realised that none of the things I said or did were done to annoy you, but only because I cared.
It'll still be a long road from now until we can say we will be together forever, like we used to, but at least it's a start.
There will still be arguments, and grudges that need to be forgotten.
All I can say is I'm sorry you thought the worst of me, and I, you.
We both love each other and that's all that should matter.
The things we've argued about are nothing in the grand scheme of things, and people have been through so much more and come out stronger.
All the changes that have occurred seem so big in our minds, but they really are minuscule.
We will go through much more and I hope we can still be together at the end.
All I want is for us both to be happy and I know you make me smile so much more than I thought possible.
Please let us make the most of this chance.
Bad things wouldn't happen to us if someone or something, somewhere, didn't think we could handle it.

When the sun rises in the west...

 So here we are at the end.
I'd love to say there was still a chance but I don't think I can put myself through the waiting.
I can't put myself through a few more weeks of hanging on to some type of false hope before you decide if you're ready to carry on or not.
If you decide that you want me back then we can talk, but I'm not running back.
We both made mistakes, neither more than the other, but I feel you treat me like shit the last few weeks.
I love you, I always will but this whole thing is no more.
Goodbye my sun and stars.
xxx

Anxiety issues

I keep checking my phone...
It's only 5 minutes since you text but I feel like I haven't heard from you for hours.
I try to come up with something to say to you so I don't let on that my anxiety is crippling me.
Still no reply...
So I get more and more worried, starting to think the worst of the situation.
Buzz.... buzz.... buzz
Ooo I have a text from you.
"Just sat in my room relaxing, will you stop freaking out!"
:( I guess you just know me too well.

Bad luck chuck

Why is it me who gets left behind in my dull bubble of life. The people I care about all seem to go these exciting adventures. I get left behind with the weight of all the stress and worry on my shoulders...

Worries

You say I'm not active enough.... When I try to go for a long walk, I end up in agony with my bad hips.
I get sad.... You get mad.
You say I don't try to cheer you up when your down.... You simply don't pay attention to my attempts.
You often shun going to meet my friends.... You get annoyed at me when I express anxiety over meeting yours.
You say you don't like drinking.... You go out drinking with your friends and say I'm never interested in going out.
You say you want time to yourself.... I hear, 'I don't want to be with you.'
I say, 'I love you,'..... You say. 'I love you too.'

But do you like me?

Stupid Expectations

 I read somewhere that in order for a woman to be marriage material, she has to be secure in their emotions and never get angry or upset. She has to put up with anything from her potential husband and laugh about it. Bring children into the world and not complain. Do everything for the people she claims to love and expect nothing back.
 I guess its true to an extent but. excuse me, Bullshit Alert!!!!!!!
 I can't control my emotions and I definitely don't take shit from people. If I have kids in the future, I want to be able to complain about morning sickness, bad backs, sleepless nights and if my future husband doesn't change his half of the dirty nappies then he'll have them thrown in his face.
 The truth is, perceptions have changed over the years. Yes, some people still believe that a woman should be the rock, cold and hard in nature. There are few left who show that to the world. The women I know want all the love and attention that they pour out, given back to them... and rightly so.
 The modern day women will be the rocks made of Jello. They melt in the heat, they wobble around over decisions and emotions vary all the time. However, no matter how bad the situation is, we will always look lovable, cuddly and will make people happy.

At the end of the line

You know what.... just fuck it....

 I'm just totally sick of this stupid fucking day and it need to go and crawl into a sewer somewhere and rot away.

 I'm fed up of being taken for granted and being used as someone to take your frustrations out on when it suits you. All I ever do is be nice to everyone, and love a few special people.
 They just throw it back and stamp on me.

Asking for clarity

Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve this heart ache :,(
I know I'm not perfect but what have I done to be treated like this?
I don't think you truly understand what you mean to me and what I do for you.
Just see through the mist...

 I'm crying alone here

So called friends...

 F**king fed up of having people in my life who call themselves friends and don't even bother to let me know when they are back home, after saying for ages they were going to tell me and couldn't wait to meet up.
 Plus when you see that they had such a good time over the holidays meeting up with people that I wouldn't be seen dead with.... No wonder you didn't f**king let me know you were back.

 F**k you

So long, farewell...

So we have said goodbye to my grandma's house. 
Don't worry, she's still alive but has moved into a care home due to dementia.
I stayed at home whilst my family traveled to Durham to strip all the memories from that house. 
I'm glad I didn't see it as a shell.
I was so fond of that house. I loved the way it smelled, the warmth of it, and the way everyone smiled and was happy when there. 
:( If I win the lottery, then I'll buy it back just so I can feel like I belonged there again.