Urgh

I fucking hate my life right now

Question time

Any one else think that it's totally unfair for your significant other to leave you home alone and travel many miles away to go drinking when they saw you in tears after your grandma was admitted to hospital?

Just me.....

Heartfelt message

I realised that I haven't put anything on here for a while.
It's about time I get some rather personal things off my chest.

For those who know me or have read this blog, you will know that I am a really lucky lady.
I have a loving and thoughtful boyfriend who I have been with for 3 years now.
We have had many up and downs, mainly stemming from my past episodes of depression and anxiety, as well as the normal struggles that come with long term relationships.

Looking back on who I was, I see someone that I don't recognise.
I am wildly different from the girl who couldn't cope with the slightest change and who would put the walls up to hide from emotion.
I am happy. I take every day as it comes. If something doesn't go to plan, I don't panic and fear the consequences. Instead, I stop, take a deep breath, engage the logical part of my brain and push through.

Nothing is perfect. I use to get so caught up on the perfect day that I would ruin it. For example, if I had planned a day out with Paul and something went wrong, such as not leaving the house on time for the train, I'd have a melt down.
I'd get angry and start blaming anything and everything for messing it up. In turn, it was me that would ruin it. Rather than just getting the next train and enjoying the day as it evolved, I'd just mope and moan and sometimes just go back home.
I still notice this now. If I slip into old habits and expect to much, it causes arguments and puts a downer on everything.

I'm a modest person but I have to admit that I am proud of myself. I thought that I would never overcome my difficulties and I felt ashamed at the time that I asked for help.

I have matured, yet become more immature. I lived life with the burden of everything, with the impression that it was my job to fix the world around me. Now, I am older and maturer. I class myself as a lady now rather than a girl. A main part of this is that I can be immature and childish. I allow myself to have fun and relax whilst doing it... something that I could never do before.

I'm going to leave you with a picture from last night. Me and Paul went to Manchester for an amazing night in the Victoria and Albert Marriot hotel. We went for a very sophisticated meal and it all felt very romantic and posh. :)
I realised that we didn't come across as a couple who had just got together, but rather as a mature and loving pair who would be hand in hand for the rest of our lives.
Plus, this is the first time I've looked at a photo of myself and been proud to say... yep that's me right there!

I love you all.

No change

I still despise myself..... that will never change.
All I can do is learn to live with my poor decisions.

Don't worry

Paul is out. He said he wouldn't.
His phone isn't getting signal :(
I hate this.

Hello....

I hate that I upset people by being worried
I say silly things and make people angry.
Will someone just talk to me and say I'm not being stupid or crazy.
I just want someone to talk to me as if they care about me and that I matter over all else.
Please someone, just talk to me

Currently...

I don't want to just make it through.
I want to get out and explore.
See more than just the UK. 
I want to be able to work somewhere warm where my degree is useful. 
Rather than get up every morning after no sleep because I'm worrying about my life.
Go to work and dread being bitten. 
Come back and look in an empty cupboard and wonder where the next meal is coming from.